long time no see.

currently, everyone’s buzzing, some are buying dresses and finding dates to spend the end of this decade with. fireworks and midnight kisses. some people are reviewing, looking back on personal growth, seeing all the memories from the past ten years. wow, it’s been ten years? anyway. others are huddled up in their rooms, eating their way through the endless selection boxes that the holidays amounted to and binging the new season of ‘you’. that would be me.

i’ve done the going out on nye, wearing a nice dress and downing glasses of prosecco. i’ve done the positive mindset, driven, healthy new year, where i made an extensive list of new year’s resolutions and stuck to a grand total of none. it always ends up the same, me eating chocolate and watching netflix. now, this doesn’t upset me, in fact, i think it’s part of my self growth. i think it takes a lot to slow down and accept that you can make yourself happy. now don’t get me wrong, i do always spend new years with my family, it is a time for family.

it’s just recently, something changed, it clicked, i just cut off the toxic people. i ditched the people who i felt were dragging me down. i didn’t stand for anyone’s bullshit. but it had reprocussions, leaving everyone i deemed toxic left me with about three friends. i didn’t think about that. my snapchat bestfriend list changed from 8 people who i spoke to very often, to 6 people, about four of whom i actually speak to. i feel lonely, so i drown myself in movies and food.

did i really think that through? what happens when i go back to school and i have to deal with these people? i cant just surround myself with people i like, that’s not how school works. school likes to exploit your weaknesses and insecurities. school likes to pry upon the darkest parts of yourself and expose them all over instagram. school likes to test your patience, throwing the most pathetic and annoying people in the mix. school likes to work you, destroy your brain with endless algebraic equations that embed themselves into your mind until you’re sick to death of the endless x’s and y squareds. it drains everything out of me. it makes me weak and vulnerable. i cant explain it. it’s the way that boy who you liked in year eight looks at you, it’s the way that group of girls look at you and your bestfriend when you’re laughing about the story she just told you about your ex bestfriend. most people are excited for the new year. i’m worried

if you’re on social media, you’re probably seeing all these posts about people who’re tripping out about the fact that the decade is over, but for me, it’s like not that big of a deal. like new decade, wow. it happens. i cant really understand it, why is this exciting, it’s just like every other year. is it not? call me a pessimist but am i wrong?

am i stupid? am i depressed? do i just live a really sad life? everyone tells me i have a lot going for me. i’ve tried it, i’ve tried it all. i’ve modelled, and ghosted and had absolutely no chance with boys. i don’t know what it is, i just have bad luck. my brother gets cancer, bad luck. everything good i have going for me just leaves. it just fades, collapses, crumbles. i don’t understand it. what did i do wrong? what is it? what’s the secret? i always see girls (and boys) living their best lives on social media. out partying. i just i’ve tried, i’ve tried to get into that, i’ve not even been given a chance. i’m not even invited. what is it? what’s wrong with me?

overall, my point is, what’s the point