Just to say, i am not a psychologist and i have not been medically diagnosed with any mental illness, these coming paragraphs are purely my thoughts, analogies and experiences.

One thing i do know, is that each of us have our own anxieties, somewhere within us; some more apparent than others, each of us deal with them in our own way, we have our own coping mechanisms. some people like to make others aware of their anxieties, others do not.

whats your deepest anxiety?

is it something love related? does your crush not love you back?

is it that you feel inferior to the people surrounding you? are your friends all smarter or prettier or more popular than you?

dig deeper.

all of our current insecurities stem from an issue which is much deeper. maybe it was something that someone said to you as a child? maybe it was gossip you overheard that you were the centre of? maybe it was somebody shooting you a strange glance?

whatever it is, grasp it.

replay it, study it, look at it face on. i know anxieties and insecurities seem daunting, even just to think about. figure it out.

i know mine, i have a constant fear of being judged.

it’s affected me since i can remember. my own mother has told me stories about me being paranoid of what people think of me from when i was young as six. i know, it may seem like i’m overreacting, you may be thinking ‘get over it, other people have real problems’ but anxieties infatuate you, they overtake your life in a way you may not even realise. whenever i go out, i’m always concerned of what people think of me, am i overdressed? am i underdressed? is she judging me? did i say something wrong? i’m always looking for something about myself that i need to change or alter. maybe i come off a bit too strong, i should try to tone down my personality.

if you ever met me, you would not think this. i’m probably the most talkative, extroverted person there. i love meeting new people and discussing new topics. but it feels fake. i feel like i do this to overcompensate for my constant scrutiny or my lack of self worth.

school does definitely does not help with these insecurities. school finds them and somehow exploits them. school is constantly putting you under the spotlight and forcing you out of your comfort zone. school forces you to wait at the bus stop with that girl who constantly undermines you, and asks you whats wrong with your skin and why you have a pimple. school forces you to be friends with that one toxic girl because shes in all your classes and you can’t seem to cut her off. school forces you to see the boy who cheated on you every single day because he’s in your geography class. it feels like for every step forward, you take one step back.

i try to study my body language and the way i talk but i eventually realise: the solution to my problems is most definitely not to mask them but to stare them in the face and say ‘what the hell is going on’. now as much as i hate all that cringey spiritual crap, i do think that dealing with insecurities is a journey and we’re all on our own. you’re never going to wake up and suddenly go, ‘oh, i’m over my insecurities’. that’s simply not how it works. feelings don’t magically go away. it’s like a breakup, you don’t wake up the next day not caring for them anymore, unless of course you cheated or lost feelings and you were the one who broke off with them but that is off topic. feelings fade little by little and other people may work at a completely different pace or a similar one. it is essential to remember that everyone is in their own life, everyone is on their own journey. and i know that phrase is majorly, majorly overused but i mean it.

you could look at someone and judge them for crying in the toilets, or having no friends. or you could look at them and wonder what has driven them to be like this. people don’t choose or want to be upset, it’s things that happen to them that change them, shape them. its the people they know, the experiences they’ve had, the places they’ve been, their style, their opinions. some people would have been through more pain and upset at 15 years old than you will have in 30 years. pain and hurting isn’t the same for everyone and neither is it’s arrival. so don’t make fun of someone for being depressed or having anxiety because YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH.

our generation is so judging and insensitive while being incredibly considerate and open minded at the same time. its confusing because if someone claims to have depression people almost just normalise it but if someone self harms, people will pay attention. i have seen a girl judge and mock another girl because of self harm cuts up her arm, which i think is absolutely disgusting, how can one person make a mockery out of another’s hurt? it’s something that i don’t understand i hope i never will.

anyway thank u for coming to my ted talk, this post was kind of different and had a much darker and more serious undertone. i don’t know what i’ll be discussing next time but maybe something to do with politics or some poetry, so we shall have to see.

k x